Batclan Family Vacation to WalMart
by penguin-empress
Summary: The Batclan and Flash go to Wal-Mart for vacation and some learn things about each other and themselves that they would rather not know.. Like Damian finds out who his actual "mom" is:3
1. The Drive

**Disclaimer: I don't own any Batman characters, Wal Mart, or Cheez Its... sadly :( BUT! This story is 99.9% all from my imagination! I think... hehe papayas! :D**

**Okay, well sorry for not putting any new stuff up I've had a ton of homework and whatnot to do :P ANYWHO! Enjoy this or else! teehee:3**

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><p>Batman and Flash sat in the front seats of the Batmobile listening to the four Robins and Alfred complaining in the cramped backseat.<p>

As Batman drove them to their destination, going over 100 miles over the speed limit, he wondered if he'd remembered to pack his extra tights and his tanning bed.

"Okay, family roll call!" he called out. He had to make sure Jason hadn't killed anyone, because he was a _responsible _father… and Alfred would smack him with his dust pan again if he let one of the Robins die again. "Dick?"

Dick Grayson, the ideal Robin, responded, "Here, The Batman!"

"Tim?" Batman called out as he swerved in and out of traffic and dodged handfuls of _Cheez Its_ being thrown at him from the backseat.

Tim perked up and stared hopefully at Batman. "We're family?"

Batman shrugged, "Sure, why not? Jason?"

Jason was staring blankly at the shiny rainbow crowbar he cradled in his arms. "Can I kill someone with Lafawnda when we get there?"

Batman responded, "Who?"

"My favorite crowbar! DUH!"

Alfred sighed, "I'll clean up the blood then, Master Todd."

"Okay then, yeah, sure, whatever, have fun," Batman told Jason. "Bastard child?"

Jason and Dick silently laughed at Damian who glared at the back of Batman's head. "Fuck you!"

The Batmobile was going about 250 mph and going down a one way street, the wrong way, and Batman turned in his seat to give Damian the _Warning Glare _(also known as the _Mild Stroke Glare._)

As he turned back around, after blowing up a random parked minivan, Batman said, "Okay, Alfred, the batsammiches, bat drinks, and other batsupplies?"

"Here, Master The Batman," Alfred responded, holding up a silver platter drowning in hundreds of batsammiches.

"Awesome!" Batman and the four Robins squealed in delight as they all grabbed a batsammich.

"Flash?" Batman continued his roll call while chewing his batsammich.

"Me and my sexy self are here, my love," Flash responded, petting Batman's arm affectionately.

Batman recoiled quickly, shooing Flashes hand away. "Not in front of the kids! They can't know about love!" In the backseat, all the Robins looked at each other in confusion.

Jason whispered to Damian, "Love's what I made with your mom."

Just as Damian was going to punch Jason in the face, innocent little Tim said, "I don't get it." Which caused all the Robins, Batman, and Flash to laugh at him.

Not completely understanding Batman's reasoning about not showing love in front of the four children in the backseat, but also not really caring, Flash decided to just go with it. "Okay, sorry, Bruciepoo." He stopped to wink at Batman. "Later then."

Tim stretched his little arms to poke Flash's shoulder repeatedly. When he got Flash's attention, he said, "MOMMY!"

Boredly, Flash turned. "Yes, strange sheltered smart child?"

"Is Batman my Da Da?"

Without turning, Batman reached back and smacked the little nerd. "Yes, I am. BUT! You shall refer to me as The Batman! Not Da Da!"

The poor child began to tear up. "I'm sorry Batman…"

"THE BATMAN!" Batman screamed.

A man passing by looking through the car window would later tell his friends that he saw a deranged man dressed as Batman screaming and driving down the road.

Tim began to wail. "I'M SORRY THE BATMAN! DON'T KILL MEH!" The small child buried his face into Alfred's jacket and began loudly blowing his nose.

"Master Drake! That's so unsanitary!" Alfred cried. "Oh, Master Wayne! Stop before you crash through Wal-Mart!"

The car squealed to a stop an inch from the automatic sliding doors of Wal-Mart. A frightened elderly woman fainted as the Batclan hopped out of the Batmobile.

"We're here!" Batman said excitedly. Then, to himself he added, "Thank goodness for vacations."

"We're going to Wal-Mart… for our fucking vacation?" Damian asked angrily.

Alfred gave him a disapproving look, "Master Damian, please! Watch your language!"

Dick bounced up and down in excitement, "Hooray! An adventure! Golly, The Batman! This is great!"

"Yes, it's an adventure, like the ideal one just said, you stupid bastard child. Why can't you be more like your mother… I mean brother!"

Damian looked sick to his stomachache. "My mother? Him? …"

"The Batman was just confused and distracted!" Dick interrupted hastily. "Holy bargains, Batman! That camping gears half off!" He tore off through the electronic sliding doors and down an aisle full of toys.

Tim stood between Flash and Batman looking slightly confused but calm. "So, Dick and The Batman had that?" He pointed absently at Damian.

"No, silly little nerd!" Batman said as if explaining how 2 +2 = fish to an ignorant child. "Dick and I made it where Alfred had… that thing," he glanced at Damian like he were a disease or a Superman.

"Oh, that makes perfect sense!" Tim said looking content with Batman's explanation.

A mischievous grin spread across Flash's face. "Timmy? Oh, Tim, Timmy Tim-Tim Timothy! Would you like to hear the story of how Bruciepoo and I made you?"

Tim said he'd love to hear all about it as Flash led him down an aisle full of vodka, whiskey, bud lights, and condoms.

Standing beside Batman, Alfred looked fearful of what would happen to Tim's innocent sheltered mind. "Sir, shouldn't you do something before Tim learns… _things _that might corrupt his innocent nature?"

"Why?" Batman asked, twirling in circles to make his cape fly around.

Alfred gave him a look of disappointment, "Because you're his father!"

Throughout this time, Damian had wondered over to the curb and sat down, blankly staring at his feet. "Dick plus Alfred plus father equals… me?" He said to no one in particular.

Batman responded to Alfred as he ran inside to set up camp, "Eh, They'll be fine!"

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><p><strong>Next time:<strong>**_Inside_**_ Wal-Mart!_

**Yeah, this is another reason I should never get bored... hehehehehehehe PLATYPEOPLES WILL RULE THE WORLD! Along with PENGUINS CANADIA and RUSSIA! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I wanna cookie**


	2. Inside WalMart

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of the Batman characters that I have used and I do not own rights to the Swifter Wet Jet that is mentioned in this story.**

**Just enjoy this random story I just wrote out of boredom while I was supposed to be doing my homework :D hehehe:3 Pie is yummy! 7 1/2!**

**Yeah, I'm either way too hyper or I need sleep:P prolly both... THATS RIGHT I CAN BE HYPER AND SLEEPY AT THE SAME TIME CAUSE I AM THE BATMAN! anywho read this and enjoy! Big Brother and George are watching!**

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><p>Batman waltz through the Batman aisle of Wal-Mart only stopping to look at the many different forms of himself every now and again. In the aisle to the left of Batman was the deadly weapons and nuclear weapons aisle, where Jason Todd stood in a pool of blood (for he had murdered an overly perky Wal-Mart employee) and examined a dozen different kinds of crowbars. Tim, poor, little, nerdy Tim, was looking through the book aisle like the nerdy nerd he is.<p>

On the other side of Wal-Mart, Alfred was distracted by a golden dustpan and a new suit. Dick wasn't far from Alfred staring at a picture of Batman and Starfire, and then he saw it. A long flowing black cape just like Batman's.

Dick rushed over, hardly able to breath, he took it off the peg and tried it on. "Aww… It doesn't have a cowl," he cried as tears streamed down his cheeks. Out of nowhere, Damian runs up and wraps his arms around Dick attempting to comfort him.

"There, there, Dickiepoo, I'm here for you!" Damian practically shouted into Dick's ear. "I know Batman and Alfred raped you and that's the only reason I'm here, so I don't blame you! You were a victim!"

"Uh… No… Batman and I mutually agreed to rape Alfred, which it wasn't rape 'cause we yelled surprise before hand so… Yeah," Dick replied awkwardly.

Damian's arms loosened and he fell back in shock. Dick twirled around with his cape flying about, then he took off shouting, "I AM BATMAN! COME ROBIN TO THE BATCAVE! NANANANANANA BATMAN!"

Meanwhile over in the Batman aisle, Batman stood up stiffly from observing a pair of Batshoes and stared meticulously at his surroundings. "I sense a disturbance in the Batman universe…"

On the next aisle, Jason had discovered a flaming chainsaw with attachment crowbar. As he reached out for it, Dick came running down the aisle and slammed into Jason. They both fell backwards, and in doing so, gave a strange, ninja, hobo lady a chance to grab the flaming chainsaw and crowbar combo and disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Jason's left eye began twitching. "That was the last one.. THE LAST FREAKIN' ONE!"

Soon the two brothers were rolling in the floor. Jason was biting, kicking, scratching, stabbing, pulling hair, raping, and punching Dick. And brave, strong, heroic Dick, was poking and occasionally screaming, "NOT THE FACE!"

Tim walked by casually with his nose in a book, glancing up once to eat a carrot. Dick and Jason paused to watch Tim go by and then continued their "fighting".

Then, Batman skipped by dragging a giant trash bag full of little Batman imposters. He glanced down the aisle to see his ideal Robin and his murderous Robin wrestling in the floor. "WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BATMAN CAPE?"

Jason stood up, pulling Dick up, too, he roundhouse kicked him to Batman. Batman gave him the Glare of Doom (also known as the Glare of Death) and Dick began spazzing out uncontrollably, as if he were about to go - BOOM! But instead of Dick making a fire explosion of death and sparkly fireworks, Alfred smacked Batman upside the head with a Swifter Wet Jet. "Don't kill them, again, sir." "But… But… But… He had my cape…" Batman whined.

"I don't want your buts, Master The Batman! No killing the children!" Alfred glanced down the deadly weapons and nuclear weapons aisle to see the Wal-Mart employee's body. "Oh, Master Todd…"

"He was overly perky! Like Dickie here," Jason said matter-of-factly.

Alfred was already mopping up the blood with the Swifter Wet Jet.

Over on the other side of Wal-Mart, Damian was laying in the fetal position staring frighteningly into space. _Batman AND Dick agreed to rape Alfred? WHY?_

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><p><strong><em>Will Alfred be able to clean up the blood? Will Batman kill one of the children... again? Will Damian ever stop being retarded? Will Tim have anymore lines?<em>**

**_FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EPISODE! _**

_Truth or Dare O.O_

**REVIEW THIS OR GEORGE WONT LET YOU PET THE BUNNY!**


	3. Truth or Dare

**HEY! So, I plan on updating all my stories more frequently.. no promises because I get so easily distracted... :/ SORRY! BUT I've finished this story aren't you proud?:D Also, I'm going to start working on Doctor Batman and I'm going to start really working on my whole new story which will NOT be a batman comic, sadly. Check out my page for a little sneak peak of the new story, it's going to be a Percy Jackson/Supernatural crossover:)**

**Anywho, enjoy, my lovelies!**

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><p>"What happened to the Flash?" Dick asked aloud as darkness fell outside.<p>

The Batfamily was sitting in the camping section of WalMart inside a giant tent that was on display. Batman had insisted on getting the black tent because what kind of batclan would they be if they didn't get the black one?

Tim was hiding behind Alfred hoping that the butler would keep him from being killed by Jason or Batman. Alfred sat between Batman and Jason trying to keep the two from murdering each other. Dick was sitting as far from Jason and Batman as he could, cradling his cape in his arms like a baby. Just outside the tent was Damian lying face down still trying to come to terms with the idea of Dick being one of his fathers.

Batman threw a batarang at Dick for his stupid question. "He made fun of my cowl; so, I had him banned from WalMart for life. The jerk. BUT it's okay! Because I found a new chaperone and this one likes my cowl!"

The Joker stepped through the flap of the tent and Dick tackle hugged him.

"DADDY!" he exclaimed at the same time that the Joker backhanded him with a crowbar.

"Hello, Honeybunch!" Joker said as he hugged Batman. "I really have missed you, my love. I told you that Flash didn't appreciate you like I do."

The Batman just grumbled something about the Flash being a stupid potato.

Jason clung tightly to his rainbow colored crowbar that he had affectionately named Balder as he stared suspiciously at the Joker.

Alfred let out an exasperated sigh. With Batman constantly wanting to kill one of the robins, Jason wanting to murder every smiling face, and the Joker's homicidal tendencies, how was Alfred supposed to keep everything clean and blood free?

Little Timmy stared up silently at the Joker, fascinated by the maniac.

As Dick started to stand up to hug the Joker again, the Joker sat in Batman's lap to dodge the hug. "Have you been telling stories again, snookums? You know I'm only Jason's daddy! Look how great our little anti-hero turned out, too!" the Joker said with an evil laugh and nod towards Jason. "Superman is that boring, pretty boy's mommy."

"I know Supes is my mommy," Dick said rolling his eyes. "But I see you so much more, can't you be my dad?"

"Well, I did beat you with a crowbar and that is the initiation ritual for our family," Joker thought aloud. "Very well, but don't disappoint mommy and me."

"Can we play a game? Like truth or dare?" Damian asked blandly. He had poked his head into the tent but still laid face down.

The Joker clapped his hands in excitement and gave a maniacal laugh. "Me first! Batman, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"I dare you to kill your least favorite child here with this," the Joker giggled as he pulled out his own favorite crowbar, Harleen.

Alfred groaned as Batman swiftly bludgeoned poor little Timmy to death. _Wonder how long it will take him to come back to life_, Alfred thought_, probably a couple days, he always returns faster than the rest._

"Bat-truth or bat-dare, Alfred," Batman asked.

"Bat-truth, please, sir."

Before he could reply, Timmy came running through the tent, trampling Damian in the process.

"Mr. The Batman! I may have accidentally broken reality when I came back to life!" he shouted as he cowered in the corner. Outside the tent there were loud crashes and explosions. "Well, actually Superboy was there and he punched reality in the face, like Superman did that one time..."

"YOU KNAVE!" Batman shouted. "Now the universe is going to reset!"

Alfred sighed as he began preparing everyone for the end of the universe and the beginning of the next.

And this is how the New 52 Universe of DC came about. You can blame Timmy for it. It's always his fault, obviously.

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><p><strong>Okay, so next time I realize that I won't be updating for a while (like a whole year) I will make sure to inform all of you that the stories are on hiatus! But I'm back now so please review!:)<strong>


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